


Broken

by Geam



Category: Hunter X Hunter
Genre: Broken, Childhood Trauma, Crying, M/M, Past Child Abuse, Tears
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-02
Updated: 2021-01-21
Packaged: 2021-03-09 06:48:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 6
Words: 2,835
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27346897
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Geam/pseuds/Geam
Summary: "Sometimes someone hurts you so bad, it stops hurting at all, until something makes you feel again"
Relationships: Hisoka & Illumi Zoldyck, Hisoka/Illumi Zoldyck
Comments: 14
Kudos: 110





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hellooooooo this is my first fanfiction, um i hope you enjoy, english is not my first language so it may end up pretty bad still i hope my some miracle you enjoy♡♡♡

Alice in wonderland is a tale of unbelievable things, although right now Hisoka found a rabbit in a waist coat and a talking caterpillar more believable then what was happening in front of him.  
Illumi was crying, he had his knees near his chest with his head hung low, Of all people, Illumi Zoldyck,How is that even possible? And more importantly, why ?What was so upsetting that even an emotionless puppet would start crying.

Hisoka sighed to himself, he felt bad for the man, he did feel bad that he referred to Illumi as a puppet but what can he do? Illumi wasn't a doll, even dolls had smiles plastered on their face, he wasn't a toy either, toys brought joy , Illumi didn't bring joy, he was a killer, the only thing that can define him was a puppet , trapped, muted , emotionless, 

Well atleast until their Master says otherwise, being a puppet means you're being controlled with the strings attached to your Master.  
If they want you to kill yourself, you have no say in it, if they wanted to make you kill, you have no say in it, if they wanted you to feel unlovable, they can.  
Even so, Hisoka liked to see Illumi crying, it made him look powerful, denying their Masters orders and doing what they dont want you to do , surley kikkyo wouldn't like her puppet to be seen like this, and so despite that Illumi cried , it's like a deer attacking the wolf, which made him look so powerful.

So ........ So......... powerful....

Hisoka shuddered ,feeling a tingly sensation going up and down his spine, a small moan escaping his lips, Illumi must've noticed and looked up to see a man with golden eyes staring at his soul, he had just finished grocery shopping and was now standing in front of the door of their hotel room. He quickly got up and wore a panicked look on his face, Illumi didn't want anyone to see him like this, it was forbidden , he worried about what might happen now that Hisoka had seen him like this, Will others find out? What would his mother think for showing weakness? He would be in the chambers for years! He would be tortured for years, but what if his parents saw him useless ? Would he no longer be considered a Zoldyck ? What will he do then ? "It's alright." Hisoka smiled,

Illumi stared at him confusion , worry, sadness and anxiety sanced in his eyes , Hisoka put his thumb and index finger together and brought it over his lips , he swayed it over his lips in a motion that seemed like he was zipping his mouth shut,he pulled his fingers in the end as if to yank out the zip puller and throw it away.

He then proceeded to pick up the grocery bags and take it to the kitchen, Illumi just stood there not knowing what to do or what to say , after a few seconds of silence he slowly walked towards the kitchen and helped Hisoka put out the groceries. 

"Do you want take-out or should i make us something" Hisoka asked suddenly

Illumi took a few seconds before responding with "anything is fine" although deep down he wanted Hisoka to cook, surprisingly he was quite good at it, every dish he made tasted like it came straight out of heaven , it was very delicious.  
"I'll just make something I'm not in the mood to leave the house" Hisoka said  
Illumi felt a little cheered up despite the pain inside his heart.  
"What would you like?" Hisoka asked  
"Hm?" Hisoka never asked him what he preferred to eat, he just did what he wanted , Illumi was quite surprised, Hisoka was acting unusual....

He favoured one of the dishes he was served at his home but being the rich kid it was too fancy for Hisoka to be able to make so he just decided that  
"anything would do...."

"Alright~"

"I'm gonna go grab a shower"

○●▪○●▪○●▪○●▪○●▪○●▪○●▪○●▪○●▪○●▪○●▪○●▪○●▪○●▪○●

'I hate you, I hate you , I hate you'

Illumi didn't even know who he was referring to , did he hate himself? His parents ? His life? What was it?

I HATE YOU 

He started feeling dizzy as droplets of hot steaming water hit his skin , he swayed a little, before making himself sway , what am i doing? what's going on? Stop, he screamed silently to himself STOP , STOP IT .  
'What is wrong with me? Let me go , please let me go, '

he was tired , he was tired of living , he just wanted everything around him to stop for a second. It was too much ,he cant handle it anymore , he was stuck in a storm and he was the only one there, he was the target.

'FUCK YOU LET ME GO LET ME GO LET ME GO' he started weeping as fingers danced fiercely through his hair, letting out breaths that made him choke ,making him need more air , breathing harder and harder, trying to find something , ANYTHING that'll help him calm down. In the end he couldn't, his vision began getting blurry, he swayed around to find balance and before he can process anything he had collapsed on to the hard floor.


	2. "Is there something wrong with me Hisoka ?"

"Illumi"

"Illumi dear~"

"Wake up darling~"

Hisoka? Where is he? I see a blur of reddish colour placed on paleness, I think it's Hisoka, I close my eyes as if trying to refresh my eyesight and when I open them again I can see him quite clearer,  
He isnt wearing his make up and he has his hair down. Where even am I? I look around and I recognise the whiteness of the bathroom floor , I had a towel placed on me like a blanket covering all my body, I felt the breeze of Hisoka fanning me due to how feverish my body is.  
A pillow was placed under my head and my hair pushed to the side ,  
"Are you feeling better darling? I wanted to take you to your bedroom but you were bare and it felt quite rude to touch you unconscious "

I took a few seconds before replying with "yea I'm better thanks"

"What happened?"

Should I answer? It's none of his business, we're just aquintances out on a mission of 5 days,  
We booked a hotel until our job here is done, nothing else so its none of his business why I winded up like this,

And yet.....

"I just......" I paused

What should I say?

"Want to talk about it over dinner? " He smiled

"....."

"Get dressed dear, you're a mess" he stood over me and walked out of the bathroom

▪□▪□▪□▪

When i stepped out of my room wearing my favourite green hoodie and a pair of black sweat pants I was invited with a smell of deliciousness , I looked over and saw Hisoka had finished setting the table

"well don't just stand there dear~" 

I sat myself at the table and began filling my plate , 

"So would you be kind enough to explain why I found you half dead in the bathroom?"

I don't know why I'm doing this, I took a deep breath, but it feels appropriate. 

"I don't know why...... just....."

"Just?"

I took another deep breathe and let it out " I just feel weaker and weaker everyday, I'm not like I used to be,

I care...."

"You care?"

"When I was a kid I didn't mind all the things my parents did to me , I didn't mind them filling me with poison, I didn't care they pinched the skin out of my body , I didn't mind being tortured without remorce or being left alone when I needed someone with me, but now......"  
I feel the tears welling up in my eyes and my skin getting hotter

"....I care"  
My tears fall down and I brought my shaking hand to wipe it off.

"Is there something wrong with me Hisoka?" I looked at him straight in the eye expecting an answer, tears streaming down my face.

He stared with astonished eyes ,

And after a few moments,

He finally spoke,

"No"

"What?"

"There is nothing wrong with you darling, you know why?"

"Why"

He smiled,

"Sometimes someone hurts you so bad, it stops hurting at all"

"What do you mean?"

"That is until something makes you feel again,

then it all comes back,  
every word  
and every hurt,  
all your pain,  
and all your tears"

Until something makes me feel again? Impossible. 

"So Illumi dear, what made you feel?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The whole "sometimes someone hurts you so bad......" thing is from a video called removed on YouTube its pretty depressing so check it out😭😭  
> Also sorry for such a short chapter :(


	3. you monster

"So Illumi dear, what made you feel?"

What made me feel huh?

My family....

Tho they took it away too....

I remember the first time I cried, My father had took me out to train me, after an hour or so,I was exhausted, I also hadn't eaten anything,   
He laid his eyes off me to talk with grandpa zeno , I took the opportunity and went to find something to eat.

I ended up in mothers garden where she grew all kinds of plants and flowers, I spotted an apple , bright red and quite delicious looking.  
I picked it and took a bite feeling the juicyness enter my mouth , before I can take another bite , I heard a scream behind me ,

Mother.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING PICKING MY FRUIT?"

"I apologise Mother but I was very hungry"

"IT DOESN'T MATTER IF YOU WERE DYING OF HUNGER YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED HERE ANYMORE"

I was punished and put in the freezer for a few days, I cried frozen ice.

And it went on , anything I wanted , anything that struck me curious, all that I enjoyed was taken away because it was all apparently distracting, I had nothing left, not on the inside nor the outside.

Until I met him of course, 

Hisoka,

So odd , 

So unique, 

So alive.

"Illumi~?"

"....."

"Is something the matter?~"

"You"

"Pardon?"

"You made me feel , you monster, it's all your fault !"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I'm extremely sorry about such a short chapter I have a shit ton of tests but it'll be over hopefully.   
>  anyways, I'm from a foreign country and our english teacher told us to talk about our favourite characters to improve our english , my classmates were talking about harry potter and stuff none of them did a good job and i somehow got my english teacher to watch hxh I-😭😭😭


	4. Lost petal

A few years earlier....

"Father?"

"Yes? Illumi?"

"Am I a disappointment?"

Silva stared down at Illumi, wandering how He should answer, Illumi was looking down, you could see his eye bags and he was trying to wear a straight face but his eyes have been inked with tears, Silva looked over at kikyo who was looking at the teenage boy, 

A few second goes by before he answers 

"You are very skilled" 

The soaked raven eyes look up, 

"You are talented" 

A frown had been turned upwards,

"You are truly a magnificent assassian" 

Illumi was being fed with joy, 

"You listen to whatever we say, you're obedient" 

Illumis joy had been heard through his smile, 

"But...." 

'But? What does he mean? Did I do anything wrong?' 

Silence. 

"You're Hideous!" kikyo spat before silva can say another word 

"look at you, look at that disgusting black hair, if you had had white hair i would've, no, everyone would've been waaaay happier, oh but no, you're a disgusting black haired freak with the ugliest eyes i have seen" 

I couldn't look myself in the mirror from that day on, 

it's why I even came up with the ability I did, changing my appearance....

Not being Illumi for awhile would be amazing. 

"Illumi!" 

"Illuuuu" 

"What do you want Hisoka?" I snapped 

"lets have a dance!" He smiled at me offering his hand

He was wearing a red and black aristocrat vest, his hair was neatly slicked back tho not in the wild manner he usually had it, it was sorta like a ducktail hairstyle, his golden eyes were as shiny as all the glamour in the room, fancy plates and glasses of wine were settled everywhere, a beatiful ballroom made of vintage and luxury, 

It was a party hosted by another assassin family, important figures were also invited , I was the only one who attended between all my siblings being as obedient as I am. 

I stared down at him, emotionless as ever, should I accept? 

"please?" 

Meh, what the hell, what's the worst thing that can happen? 

I took his hand and with a skip in his step he took me to the dance floor. 

I placed my hands on his shoulder, and took my free hand in Hisokas, He had his hand on my waist, 

The music was slow, it's always slow at the beginning,  
We were like flower petals slowly flouting on water drifting wherever it took us, the music started getting more exciting with each passing second, draining the water out, splashing it around, and the petals were, we were, swaying with it.  
Hisoka slithered his arm around my waist and brought me closer as we swirled through the water, spinning around and around, I felt my heart pounding through my chest, I felt my mouth going upwards despite my attempts of trying to make it stop, I couldn't, oh what the hell.  
I smiled, The music got more and more exciting, the once soothing and calm water was now a violent beast swirling and splashing everywhere, we were no longer the petals flouting we were swimming, drowning, on the dance floor.  
He would catch me before I ended up on the other side of the water, but even so we were still lost, Just violently swirling and fighting against the wind, 

Until the final notes of the Music was playing, Hisoka had brought his lips to my ear, a tingly whisper in my ear, 

"You're so very beatiful, Darling~"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guys I'm taking my mid-terms just uploaded this chapter to remind ya'll I'm alive, and no I haven't given up on this story just waiting for my exams to be over :)


	5. Leave

"Illumi" Silvas voice rumbled lowly through the room,

"Yes Father?"

"I no longer require you to control Kilu" 

'Is this my Father speaking? Father would never say that'

As shocked as Illumi was from this statement, 

He poured the ink of panic back in his veins and locked his eyes with Silvas, 

Acid had been sprayed on his heart,

His skin was crying,

His lips were fighting an earthquake of feelings,

"As you wish father....."

But He's my little Brother, 

He'll be all alone out there, 

"But I would like to know something before obeying"

Silvas eyes had been stitched to the man before him

"Kilu may be capable of protecting himself, He may be powerful, but he's reckless and he's only a child, I worry that one day he'll-"

"Illumi stop overthinking everything, He'll be fine"

"Yes but-"  
Illumi swallowed his words when he saw his Fathers eyes,  
"As you wish Father" He had bowed " I apologise"

After that Illumi could do nothing but wait In front of The Testing Gates.

When He hadno missions He would be waiting for His dear Killu to return, run in to His arms and admit what a horrible mistake He's done, running away with that Thing, making Friends and most importantly leaving His Family.

But no matter how many days He waited, Killu didn't come back.  
His dear Killu didn't come back.  
The only times The Gates would open was when Hisoka would come to visit, which annoyed The Assassin greatly and no matter how many times He would shout at the Circus Freak to go away and never come back.  
He always came back.  
Wether it'd be the same Day or the Day after.

He would always come back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ~~~~  
> I'VE RETURNED BITCHES, short chapter yes but I'm still recovering from exams.  
> I HOPE YOU'RE STILL HERE AND I'M STILL VERY SORRY.   
> Anyways, Goodbye until next chapter which will be soon.


	6. Ace

"NOOOOOOOOOOO GIVE HIM BACK " A small Assassin screamed, His big inky eyes filled with tears.   
Small little hands tightened on The little stuffed toy, A small and fluffy Rabbit.  
"NOOOO PLEASE MOTHER DON'T TAKE HIM AWAY NO NO NO NO" He screamed pulling on The white Rabbit.   
"You're too obsessed with this ridiculous thing it's distracting you from training! " kikyo stated   
"PLEASE ACE IS ALL I HAVE" The boy had protested   
"NONSENSE! You have your brother Milluki, Me and your Father you don't need this ridiculous useless toy! IT'S JUST A STUFFED ANIMAL! " kikyo had screamed ripping The rabbits head.   
.   
.   
.   
.   
.   
"Now that that's taken care of, I'll be expecting you at dinner" She dropped The ripped head infront of the Boy

"Yes Mother" 

~~~~~~~~

"Hisoka, what is all that?" Illumi questioned all the filled bags in Hisokas hand. 

"Well Illu they're just stuffed toys~" Hisoka spoke emptying all the bags on the floor,   
Toy after toy they all fell like rain drops, small and big, fluffy and stiff, all kinds of them. 

"But why?" He questioned when He suddenly spotted a familiar looking Rabbit. 

The assassin gave him a questionable look. 

" I just stole them from the carnival~" 

"why would you do that?" 

"well the carnival is owned by a man that I despised as a kid sooo I just thought I'd ruin his business for tonight~" Hisoka smiled before continuing   
"He also owned 'The Flora Circus' which was a rival of our Circus, I mean they'd always steal the spotlight from us!" Hisoka huffed. 

"I see" 

"what are you gonna do with all these toys?" 

"Hmmm.....I soppose.... " 

The Redhead looked at the other, noting the Man had had his eyes on a particular toy this entire time, reaching for the small fluffy body, he picked it up and held it out for the assassin to take "we'll have to keep them" He smiled

♠️♣️♦️♥️

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lmao rip Ace

**Author's Note:**

> Goodbye , until next time!


End file.
